Dying Once Again
by blackrabbit636
Summary: Edward is struggling after he leaves Bella. What happens in the period where he's absent in New Moon?


**A/N: **Me owns nothing. Of course the characters belong to Stephanie Meyer and the lyrics of "Going Under" belong to Evanesence and whoever wrote them. Haha. I've just used the lyrics to express Edward's feelings of resentment at the pain he's suffering and at Bella for reason to be explained.

Reviews are love ;-)

_Now I will tell you what I've done for you  
>Fifty thousand tears I've cried<br>Screaming, deceiving and bleeding for you  
>and you still won't hear me<em>

Today it has been seven months. Seven months since I left her. Seven months since I saw her face and felt her skin. Seven months since I laid eyes on Bella. It was torture… I hated myself and hated that I was unable to escape the nightmare I was stuck in without her. I'd never wanted to leave, but after what happened with Jasper, I knew it was too dangerous for her.

_Don't want your hand this time - I'll save myself  
>Maybe I'll wake up for once<br>Not tormented daily defeated by you  
>Just when I thought I'd reached the bottom<em>

I had never known pain like this ever within my one hundred plus years on this earth. Her presence bought so much happiness to me and I'd taken it for granted, positive she would always be around. How wrong I was. But I couldn't blame Bella for making myself leave. It wasn't my place to blame the one I adored, yet still I did somehow. It was so wrong of me to do this to her, but what could I do? She was human… she couldn't help that, but she was so careless about how fragile she was. I had to blame someone and Bella was just the easiest and most logical reason for this mess. If I hadn't met her, everything would be different. I wouldn't be laying here in a storm drain, willing the rain to wash me away. I'd be back in Forks with Carlisle and Esme. Alice was who I missed most, but I'd pushed her away also. It killed me to do it, but I couldn't have gotten by with her standing over me.

_Blurring and stirring - the truth and the lies.  
>So I don't know what's real and what's not<br>Always confusing the thoughts in my head  
>So I can't trust myself anymore<em>

How was I to go on now, after everything she'd given me? The steady foundations for my life before Bella had arrived were now gone. All I remained to be was a shell of someone who used to be complete. I had gone mad in my months of isolation and ceased from feeding all together. It would never kill me; killing vampires wasn't an easy task, but it gave me another pain to focus on. Fighting my urge to hunt any human who came too close was enough to momentarily evade my thoughts of Bella. I lived for the moments where she left my mind, but they were becoming more infrequent and the memories of Bella and I were steadily driving me mental.

_So go on and scream  
>Scream at me I'm so far away<br>I won't be broken again  
>I've got to breathe - I can't keep going under<em>

Never again will I suffer like this. I must move now… drag myself out of the drain and somehow find a way back to her. She was the only way I could be fixed, but I knew in my un-beating heart that Bella too would need fixing. She was so much more unstable than myself… she was going to take so much longer to heal. I had to get back to her. But where was I? My mind was lost, as was I. But then, somehow as though hearing my desperate thoughts, my cell phone jumped to life, Rosalie's name flashing in the caller ID. I opened the phone and bought it up to my ear.

"Hello?"

"Edward…?" her voice drifted into my mind, sounding as foreign as though she had spoken in Latin.

"Rosalie, it's me. I'm going back to Forks-" she cut me off mid-sentence.

"Edward, Bella is dead. Alice saw her jump from a cliff into the ocean down at La Push. She never resurfaced…" every word she uttered was another stab at my heart until it was in miniscule pieces.

"I… thank you," shutting the phone, I let my too-strong hands crush it. Rosalie's voice repeated those tree words over and over in my head until they made no sense. _Bella is dead. Bella is dead. Bella is dead._

Knowing what I must do, I asked a small woman for directions to the nearest airport. She spoke Spanish which told me I was in Chile or Mexico. I repeated the question in her natural tongue and thanked her once she'd given directions.

As I approached an ATM to extract the money for my flight, one place was on my mind. _Volterra_.

_I'm dying again_


End file.
